O' Children
by finnterpan
Summary: AU: They're best friends. He's lost in the world, and he's hoping she'll be his guiding light.
1. Prologue

He took a long drag, letting the smoke fill his lungs. Tipping his head back, he breathed out. It felt good. It felt _fucking good. _He closed his eyes while taking another drag. _Damn_, he thought, _this is fucking great_. Hearing footsteps, he opened his eyes. There she was, in her pink knee-length dress, with her perfectly white socks and brown penny loafers. Her bangs swept to the side, with her soft, chocolate hair in loose curls. He felt his heart start breathing faster. Realizing the small girl was walking towards him with a whiny look on her face, he let out a chuckle and smiled at her.

"Hey Rach," He said, once the girl came closer.

"Finn," She wined, "Must you really do that?," She asked, eyes glancing to the joint in his large, calloused hand.

He smiled his dimpled smile, taking another drag then letting it out.

"Yes, I must," He winked at her.

Rolling her eyes, she continued by saying, "...And, that beanie makes you look more like a stereotypical junkie then you already do."

"Thanks Rach, always just what to say to boost my confidence," He mumbled, taking another drag.

"...And so what? I like the beanie. You already said yourself you didn't care that I look like this as long as I was happy." He continued, letting out the smoke and standing up, turning away from the small brunette.

"Finn," She said, looking at him sympathetically. "...I-I didn't mean to say that." She continued, walking down the tall teen.

"But you did. And you always mean what you say, you're Rachel Berry." He spat at her, throwing his joint on the ground and walking towards his truck.

"Finn!" She said, jogging towards him. She grabbed his bicep, trying to get him to stop.

He stopped, and turned around to face her. His eyes were glassed over, but she wasn't sure if that was from the drugs or from tears. He looked hurt. Realizing she did that to him, she felt her own tears come on. She never was one to hold in her emotions.

"What Rachel?" He mumbled, looking at her eyes quickly, then glancing down.

"I-I.. I just, you know I hate you do this to yourself. And sometimes I just.. I get so upset because you had so many dreams, and.. and know you don't care. I understand you're hurt but, Finn, this isn't a-a healthy way to deal with it," She said, two tears sliding down her face.

He looked up slightly, taking her eyes. He knew she hurt too. They'd been through hell, _fucking _hell. Drugs made him feel good, but so did Rachel. She made him happy. She made him feel real. She was the reason he was still here.

"..You're my best friend, Finn. I can't loose you too." She said, as her body shook with sobs.

He latched his arms around her body, holding her tightly. Tears spilling from his whiskey eyes to the small brunette's head.

"You won't, Rach. I-I.. I promise." He whispered, kissing her head, pulling her closer.

"Please keep this promise, Finn... please." She choked into his chest.

"I will, baby. I will." He said, hoping, and praying he won't break this promise.

_**- So, what do you guys think? Horrible, okay, good, excellent? Short, I know. But.. PLEASE give me feedback. I really like the idea I have for this one. :)**_


	2. The Story That Broke Us

"_I was teased by your blouse, spit out by your mouth. I was loud by your low, seminary soul,"_

He couldn't sleep, even with her calm body pressed against his. The heat radiating off of her body, and onto his. She looked like an angel. A peaceful, _beautiful _angel. He smiled at the way her nose twitched, and how she'd take deep breaths every now and then. He'd watched her chest rise and fall, and listen to her heartbeat. She amazed him. Plain.. and simple.

His lips lightly touched her forehead and her eyes fluttered open slowly.

"Finny?.." She mumbled out, tiredly.

He nuzzled his nose into her neck, breathing in her delicious scent. Breathing deeply, in and out.

"Mmm.. why aren't you sleepin'?" She mumbled out again, slowly turning her face toward his.

He shrugged and placed a light kiss to her neck, lifting his head back up to look into the small brunette's eyes.

"Can't sleep. Night tremors..." He whispered, lightly. She quickly nodded her head, and wrapped her arms around his neck. Pulling him closer, she rested her face in the crook of his neck, mimicking what he had just been doing moment ago.

"I miss her too, Finny.." She whispered in his neck, slowly closing her eyes again; her body quickly being consumed with sleep.

He quickly shut his eyes as tears fought to fall. He missed her too. So, _so _much. There wasn't a day that went by where he didn't think of her... and the blood. Oh, the blood. It was everywhere, _everywhere._ He knew things were shitty, but he didn't know if was _that_ bad. But they were.. they were bad enough of his mother to take her own life.

He knew she wasn't happy, and that she needed to be with his dad. But, he needs her. He _needs _his mom. Fuck. Burt, Kurt, and Rachel all needed his mom. Burt hasn't said a word to him since the funeral. Kurt doesn't do anything but look at him with sympathy, and bring him warm milk. And Rachel.. god, Rachel. She's the only thing that's making him feel real lately, aside from the drugs. Even though she's hurting, she's putting him first. He never could really ask for anyone better than her to get him through this. She's the reason he didn't leave like his mom.

His body shook with the sobs that were now traveling through his body. He bit his lip, trying to conceal the gut-wrenching screams he wanted to let go of. His heart literally hurt. Hell, it fucking _killed. _The images.. the bathtub, the razors, the pills. He body shook more. _Mommy, why? God, fucking why? Why did you leave me? Why'd you leave Burt, Kurt and.. Rachel? I love you so much, but why'd you leave...?_ He thought, burying his face into Rachel's neck, letting the tears drip upon her soft skin. He pulled her closer, as close to him as she could get.

"Oh, god, Rach. I can't do this. The pain.. it's unbearable. I miss her so much. So _fucking_ much. Why'd she leave me? She was... god, I don't have anything anymore..." He coked out through his tears. "She's gone, and I can't fucking do a _goddamn _thing about it. Why couldn't I have stopped her? Why... just _why_?"

He felt her arms tighten around him, letting him know she was listening to him. He felt tears fall upon his neck.

"I don't know. I-I honestly don't know why. But you're not alone.." She whispered through her freshly fallen tears. She lifted her head, taking his face in her hands; looking him straight in the eyes.

"...You have me, forever." She whispered to him, lightly placing her lips upon his.

He instantly responsed, deepening the kiss.

After several minutes, he pulled away; looking at her tear stained face and swollen lips.

"Let me love you." He whispered, looking into her beautiful brown orbs.

"Please.." She responsed, slowly kissing him again.

"_So did he fold his own? Is he ready to reform? So many Torahs, so many of us. The creature of fear." -Bon Iver_

_**Review please?**_


	3. Connections

_ "I was unafraid, I was a boy, I was a tender age. melic in the naked, knew a lake and drew the lofts for page. Hurdle all the waiting's up, know it wasn't wedded love. Four long minutes end and it was over it'd all be back, and the frost took up the eyes..."_

He continued to kiss her, and love her. Something he'd be yearning to do since the day they met. Their relationship wasn't normal in the least bit. It wasn't happy either. They'd both come together due to their own personal struggles.

First, it was her longing for a mother who didn't want her, and his lack of a father figure due to war. They started their friendship on the pure feeling of neglect. Rachel felt unwanted, and Finn felt unloved. Slowly, but surely, they helped each other. Finn was always there to hold Rachel's hand, and vise versa. They just, fit together. Which is hard to believe since he's a 6'3" giant, and she's a 5'2" pixie, but they did.

Their hands and arms were made to hold one another. And their hearts were made to love the other. They fit together like puzzle pieces. He was sure of it. It was the only thing he was sure of in life.

"I love you so much, Finn.." She whispered into his mouth, pulling their lips together.

"God, Rach. I love you too," He mumbled through the kiss. Her hands lead his to the hem of her shirt, asking to be taken off. He obliged, slowly lifted the shirt from the petite brunette, exposing her bare chest to him.

She lightly hummed as his hand came up to cup her left breast, slowly teasing the nipple. She arched into his hand, releasing a soft moan. It was one of the hottest things he's ever heard.

"Finn.." She breathed out, closing her eyes. He brought his lips down her neck, placing light kisses here and there; slowly making his way towards her right breast, sucking the nipple into his mouth.

"Oh, Finn.." She mumbled, arching her back more in pleasure. He slowly traced the now hardened nipple with his tongue.

Suddenly, two tiny hands where on both of this cheeks, raising his face up to meet her's.

"Make love to me, Finn. Make us feel better." She whispered, looking into his whiskey eyes. He simply nodded, placing another soft kiss upon her lips.

She helped him take off his shirt, slightly tracing his defined abs. Next came her shorts, which he slowly slipped down her legs, placing kisses as he went. Then his sweats, which she slipped down with her feet. Next was her underwear, then his.

Finally, he slowly entered her, releasing a moan. She slowly tensed up, but then relaxed, releasing her and Finn were finally making love.

"I love you, Rachel. God, you're so beautiful.." He whispered, placing kisses upon her face.

"I love you too.. so much."

He loved her. Loved her more than anything in the world. She was his rock. His happiness. His everything. And, she was all his. All his.

"A_iming and it sunk and we were drunk and we had fleshed it out. Nose up in the globes, you never know if you are passing out. No it wasn't maiden-up, the falling or the faded luck. Hung up in the ivory, both were climbing for a finer cause. Love can hardly leave the room with your heart." -_**Bon Iver**

**Review please?**


	4. Belonged

_'I'm tearing up, across your face. Move dust through the light to fide your name. It's something fane. This is not a place. Not yet awake, I'm raised of make...'_

The light coming in from the curtains woke him from his slumber. He felt someone against his chest, instantly pulling them closer. He opened his eyes to see Rachel in his arms. Her beautiful brown hair splayed out all over the pillow; her tiny chest rising and falling with her breaths. Her long eyelashes; her soft full lips. Everything about her, stunning.

He brought his hand up to her forehead, slowly brushing the bits of bangs out of her eyes. Gently, he stroked her head. Loving how soft, and long it was.

Slowly, she started to stir in his arms. Her eyelids fluttered open, showing him her beautiful brown eyes.

"Morning, beautiful." He whispered quietly into her ear, placing a soft kiss right above her earlobe.

"Mm, morning." She answered, snuggling into him more.

They stayed like this for a couple minutes, before she slowly lifted up her head.

"Finn..?" She asked softly.

"Yeah, baby?" He answered, gently placing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"L-Last night.. Do you regret it? Like.. w-what does this make us?" She stuttered, glancing down.

He quickly sat up, placing his hands on her shoulders; rubbing small circles into the indentations of her collarbone.

"Rachel, I love you. And I do not regret last night. Everything.. everything was real. It was us, you and me. We made love. And it made me the happiest I've been in a long time. I need happiness, and you make me happy. I need _**you**_." He said, slowly feeling out of breath.

She glanced back up, locking her chocolate eyes with his whiskey ones; seeing if he was telling the truth.

Finn and her had been through so much. And it was obvious she's had feeling for him since forever. She's helped him through his problems, and he with hers. They were made for each other. Their hearts belonged together, as one. And no one was ever going to take that away from her.

Placing both her hands on his cheeks, she pressed her full lips against his; wrapping her arms around his neck. He reciprocated the kiss, pulling her body closer to his.

He opened his mouth, letting their tongues collide. The kiss was passionate, heavy, and full of need; for each other.

They finally belonged to each other. They were one. He was hers, and she was his. Always.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." She whispered upon his lips.

Smiling, he slowly laid her underneath him. Kissing down her neck and chest, then back up again. Finally making it to her lips once more, he whispered a sweet, "I love you too. So much.", before making love to her once more.

_'...In a mother, out a moth. Furling forests for the soft. Gotta know been lead aloft. So I'm ridding all your stories. What I know, is pouring, wire it up. You're breaking your ground.' -**Bon Iver**_

-**short again, I know. next one will be longer; I promise. review?**


	5. Whole

"_Dear friend, as you know, your flowers are withering. Your mother's gone missing. Your leaves have drifted away. But the clouds are clearing up, and I've come reveling. Burning incandescently, like a bastard on the burning sea_.."

Looking around at the Berry's backyard, he took a drag. His mind filling of thoughts from the night before. Rachel was finally _**his**_. All his. Her delicate fingers, chocolate hair, soft lips, perfect smile, cute toes, gorgeous eyes, unique nose, stunning ass; all his.

He exhaled with a smile on his face. A real one, not a forced one. This whole thing with Rachel was helping him patch his heart. He was starting to feel whole again. Feel something other than the pain that's been eating at his core.

He suddenly felt two soft, tiny hands slip around his neck, and run down his chest. Knowing who those hands belonged to, he tipped his head back; capturing her lips with his. She quickly reciprocated the kiss, lightly rubbing his chest.

Pulling away, she leaned her head on his shoulder, pulling her face into his neck; placing light kisses here and there.

"Hey baby." He said, sliding his fingers through her soft hair.

"Mmm, hi." She softly said, with a content sigh.

"I like this, you and me. It feels right, makes my heart happy." He said lightly, closing his eyes. A soft smile slowly creeping upon his face.

He felt her face leave his neck, and a leg swing over his lap. Slowly opening his eyes, he realized Rachel was now straddling his lap. She softly took his face in her tiny, delicate hands, running her fingertips over the freckles that adorned his face.

"I love you." She said lightly, smiling at the way his eyes lit up when she said that. She gently traced his lips with the pad on her thumb, loving how soft they felt. Slowly, she lowered her lips onto his bottom lip, gently sucking it into her mouth. He moaned, tasting her sweet, full lips. Her placed his hands on her sides, rubbing up and down.

"..I love you too." He mumbled out, moaning again as she slowly slid her tongue into his mouth, making their sweet tastes collide.

"Thank you." She breathed out, slowly pulling away; pressing her forehead against his.

"For what, babygirl?" He asked gently, staring into her big, beautiful brown eyes.

"For... loving me, and being my best friend. I-I.. I'm just so happy you didn't leave me. I just.. I wouldn't be able to-" She was cut off by his soft lips pressing against hers.

"Shh, baby. I will never leave you, I promised that. And I plan on keeping that promise forever." He said, placing a stray strand of her soft, gorgeous hair behind her ear.

"Forever..?" She breathed out closing her eyes, being consumed by his rough fingers running themselves through her hair.

"Forever." He said firmly, letting her know her wasn't joking. He can't loose Rachel, not now, not ever. Shes his everything; his heart, his mind, his soul. Everything was Rachel, and it felt so good. I felt good to feel something real for once.

"Thank god." She whispered, pushing her head into his chest.

He pressed her head closer to his chest, letting her hear his heartbeat.

"You hear that?" He whispered into her ear softly.

She felt him nod so he continued, "That heart beats, for you and only you. It's yours, baby. It may be broken, and weak right now.. but you're fixing it." He said softly, placing his chin upon her head.

He felt her soft lips touch his chest where his heart is placed.

Slowly lifting her head, she looked into his eyes.

"All mine.." She whispered against his lips, before pressing their lips together once again.

"_...You're just like your father, buried deep under the water. You're resting on your laurels, and stepping on my toes. Whose side are you on? What side is this anyway? Put down your sword and crown. Come lay with me on the ground." -**Passion Pit**_

**Sorry for the delay again. Next one WILL BE LONGER. Review, review, review. Thank you, xx**


	6. Past Fears

"I_ know the man I am is not who I should be. The Devil take my hand says, "Child come with me." My body shivers and aches. I can't break free. Why do the things I hate come so naturally?..._" - Paper Route

Walking down the hallway, he felt a tiny hand slip around his bicep. He smiled, instantly knowing it was her.

"Hey Rach," He said, looking down at the petite girl.

"Hi, Finny," She answered, beaming up at the tall boy.

He lighted kissed her forehead, letting his mind linger in the love that was radiating from her body.

"Where you off to?" She asked quietly, realizing he was heading toward the back door, and not the cafeteria, where they both had lunch this period.

"Um, you know..." He said slowly, a slight frown appearing on his face.

She stopped him, giving him a serious look.

"Finn, you said this would stop.." He instantly looked down, rubbing the back of his neck. He knew how much Rachel hated this part of him, but he's been doing it too long to just quit.

"I tried, Rach.. I really did-" He started, but shut his mouth as soon as he saw the look on her face.

"Bullshit.." She spit back, getting angrier with him by the second. She looked at him, and all he could see was disappointment. That made him so angry, that the girl who was just radiating love, was know only showing disappointment towards him.

"I-I can't believe you right now.." He said lowly, venom wrapped in his words.

"Me? You can't believe me, Finn? I can't even believe you right now. You're the one who lied to me-"

"I didn't lie, Rachel!" He screamed at her, anger showing in his eyes.

He saw her eyes widen, and her take two steps back. His eyes softened, instantly regretting raising his voice at her.

"Rach.. I-I didn't mean to-" He said, reaching for her arm. She instantly pulled her arm out of his reach, looking at him with tear filled eyes.

"You know I hate yelling.." She whispered softly, tears slipping down her face.

"I know.. I know you don't, baby. I'm sorry.." He replied gently, reaching for her arm again, which she let him grab this time.

He pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her tiny body. He felt her body wrecking in sobs, which he responded by instantly pulling her closer.

"D-Daddy yelled at Papa.." She mumbled over her tears.

"I know, baby. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scream at you. You didn't do anything wrong." He whispered into her ear, nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck.

When one day when Rachel and Finn were about 12, they were sitting up in Rachel's room watching one of her musical movies when they heard screaming from downstairs. Apparently, Rachel's Papa, Hiram, had come home late, and her Dad, Leroy, wanted an explanation. But when Hiram told Leroy his reason, Leroy didn't buy it. Which escalated into plates and pans being thrown around; and curse words and screams to be echoed throughout the house.

Finn held a crying Rachel for hours until they heard a door slam. Slowly, he went to go check downstairs to see what happened. He found a crying Hiram curled up on the kitchen floor was broken plates and pans surrounding him.

It turns out, Rachel's dad was in a head on collision about five minutes after he left the house; he didn't make it. The one and only fight Mr. and Mr. Berry had ever gotten in, cost Leroy his life. Rachel still, to this day, cannot cope with screaming of any kind. He couldn't believe he let himself do that to her. He was now holding her shaking body, while tears were staining her beautiful face, because he couldn't keep his damn emotions in control.

"I'm such a fucking idiot.." He whispered in the air, looking straight ahead of him at the the big, bright red doors in front of him.

He felt her head lift up, and he could feel her eyes on his face but he didn't dare to look down at her; letting him see all the pain he's caused her.

"No, you're not, Finn. I just.. I get-"

"No, Rachel. I'm a fucking idiot." He interrupted, looking down at her. Her eyes were red, and her skin was blotchy; but she still looked absolutely gorgeous to him. Her eyes were screaming with pain, and he knew it was all his fault. He never felt so useless. He couldn't help his mom, and now he's making Rachel, the one person he truly loves with his while entire heart, cry; and it's killing him, his heart literally hurts.

"I couldn't even keep my emotions in control. I screamed at you, knowing how much at hurts you. I hurt you, I never want to do that. But here you are, crying, because I'm a fucking idiot." Her lips suddenly pressed on his, forcefully but passionate. He let himself reciprocate the kiss, tangling his fingers in her hair; instantly feeling her love again.

She slowly pulled away, letting her forehead rest against his.

"You. Are. My. Everything," She said between light pecks. "You're not an idiot, you're just hurt. You're aloud to show your emotions, Finn. You need to feel. I love you. I have since I was nine years old. I'm never going to stop loving you, for as long as I live. My heart will only belong to you. I promise." She let out a soft, content sigh, letting her head fall into his chest.

He gripped the back of her head with his hands, pulling her closer towards him. The tears started falling from his eyes while he let her love consume him.

"I love you so much." He whispered into her hair; her long, beautiful soft brow hair.

"I love you too."

"_I need you now. I need you more than ever we see the light when we're going home. We'll dance on our graves with our bodies below. We'll sing glory and Hallelujah._" - Paper Route

**LONGEST CHAPTER YET. So, you guys got some insight into Rachel's past. What did you guys think? Please give me your feedback. Review, review, review! ALSO. Feel free to tweet me at Monchelette. I'm not there CONSTANTLY, so don't be shy :) xxo**


	7. And His World Crashed Down

"_Let's go out and see darling what shines tonight. And temper your dream about the dying horse with traffic, noise, and light. And somewhere the soft-handed boys,bleeding hearts, and worker bees give to the holy mother begging change, Christ across her knees..."_

He opened the door to the Berry's home, walking in and quickly shutting it so the cold air didn't rush in. He swiftly took off his jacket and hat, then pulled off his boots; making his way towards the stairs. He took them two at a time, thanks to his long legs. He made it to Rachel's room quickly, knocking on her quietly, then turning the knob and walking in.

Her wide eyes instantly locked with his. He saw her drop something while deep red liquid ran down her arm. He instantly flew to her side, pressing his palm against her wound, pulling her petite body towards his him; tears slipping down his cheeks.

"Rachel.." He breathed out through his sobs.

"Finn, I-I.. I-I'm so sorry," She whispered through her own sobs, feeling weak, "I just.. I just.. I-I-"

"Shh, shh, baby. It's going to be okay," He stammered out through his tears, "Is Noah home?"

She nodded slowly, causing more tears to fall off her face. She let out a gut-wrenching sob, her body falling closer into his arms.

His hand instantly flew up, cradling her head.

"PUCK!" He screamed, his body convulsing with a sob.

Instantly, Rachel's half brother flew into the room, spotting the two with wide eyes.

"What the hell happened?.." He asked quietly, being afraid of the answer.

"Rachel cut again.. and it's deep, real deep.." Finn said, tightening his grip on Rachel. "We need to get her to a hospital before she looses too much blood." His tear filled, scared eyes locking with Puck's, getting an instant nod from Puck.

"I-I'll go get the car started and call Hiram.." He stuttered to Finn, trying to put at least an ounce of reassurance into his body. He quickly walked over to them, putting his hand on Finn's and kissing Rachel's head, then rushed out of the room.

Finn looked down at the weak girl in his arms, and tears started rushing down his face again.

"Don't let go, babygirl. Stay strong for me, please, I love you so much." He whispered placing gentle kisses over her forehead, before lifting her in his arms and bringing her downstairs.

She knew he hated blood. She knew he despised cutting. Every since they were 12, hes hated it. She begin cutting when her father died. It wasn't bad in the beginning, but Finn hated it. He hated knowing Rachel purposely hurt herself. And after his own mother died due to it, it made him sick. But he knew what Rachel was going through.

Rachel's life hasn't been rainbows and butterflies, and neither has his, and he knew that. He deals with his pain by using as many drugs as he can. Rachel dealt with it by cutting, but after a while, things for her got better. She stopped, and turned her whole life around. But for Finn, things got.. out of control. He'd been to rehab twice, only to have another relapse. He's doing better now.. no more meth or heroine, he's replaced them with ciggs. Every once and awhile, he'll do a line of coke, and he smokes pot like there's no knew he was fucked up, he'd always known that. But Rachel.. he couldn't loose Rachel. Not his heart, his soul, his rock. He physically could not loose her.

He let his head hang in his hands, while he sat in the hospital with Hiram and Puck. His thoughts being consumed by Rachel. Her smile, her laugh, the way her eyes lit up whenever she opened her mouth and let out her angelic voice. He let the tears run down his face at the nice thoughts, the thoughts that pumped his body with love and hope. Soon though, his thoughts disappeared instantly as the doctor walked up.

"Berry?" The doctor said, looking up from his clipboard.

"T-That's us." Hiram stammered out, standing straight up along with Puck and Finn.

The doctor looked at them with sympathetic eyes, _oh no, oh god no._

"I'll show you where Rachel is.." He said softly, turning around and walking toward the hallway he just came from.

"Wait," He said, suddenly, reaching over to stop the doctor, "Is she okay?" He breathed out.

"Follow me, son.." The doctor said, quietly, continuing on.

He stopped, his body going numb. _She's gone, _he thought, _I lost Rachel._

".._And oh how she prays to find a man to blame for every loveless night she waits. And for every gun that she frowned upon but still some fucker made. And then for the kid beneath the balcony, behind the garbage can, who waits for the king to come and hold his sweating hand. -Iron & Wine_

_Thoughts, reviews, tweets? Please let me know what you think. xx_


	8. A Journey Ended Too Soon

"_I am colorblind. Coffee black and egg white, pull me out from inside. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am.._"

He wanted to scream. He wanted to scream and run. Run away from the pain his heart was under. Run into Rachel's arms, and let her hold him, and love him. He wanted his mom to run her fingers through his hair, cooing into his ear while he cried. He wanted Rachel to smile and help the hurt, make it go away. But he knew she couldn't, and that killed him.

He heard the sobs of Hiram, and saw the tears down Puck's face as they followed the doctor. He didn't know if he'd be able to see Rachel, didn't know if he could handle it. He threw up when he saw his mom, from pain and disgust. He couldn't handle it all. The doctor slowly stopped, standing in front of a door and quietly turning the knob. He felt his body shut down, _this is it, _he thought, _this is the end._

Her petite was laying on the bed, her hair splayed across the pillow, her gorgeous eyes shut. He nearly fell walking in there as his body wrecked with a sob. He couldn't see her like this. She looked pale, so pale; but still _so_ beautiful. He looked over at Hiram, who had his head buried into Puck's chest, not being able to look at the girl. He looked back at her, seeing all the machines hooked to her. Then he heard it, he heard the one thing he would treasure, the thing she said belonged to him. _Ba bump.. ba bump.. ba bump._

"She's still breathing.." He whispered out. He felt his heart skip a beat, the sound echoing in his head.

"She still breathing," He repeated louder, a smile raising onto his face, "My baby's still breathing."

He ran to her bed and instantly grabbed her hand, interlacing their fingers and kissing each of her knuckles. His body felt on fire, he felt an overwhelming feeling of hope restored into his body.

"Yes, she's still breathing. Her body went into shock from the blood loss, but we managed to restore the blood loss. She's perfectly fine, just sleeping from the exhaustion of losing so much blood," The doctor stated, "But we're not too sure if the baby's alright. We'll take an ultrasound after Miss. Berry wakes up to see if there's any damage there.."

Suddenly, he was out of breath. Did he just..? No, no.. She wasn't.. was she? She couldn't have been, she would've told him. Unless she herself didn't even know. _This can't be happening_, he thought, _she can't be_.

"Baby..?" He whispered out, the word feeling new coming out of his mouth.

"Yes.. You _did _know Miss. Berry was pregnant right? She's about four weeks along.." The doctor said, checking his clipboard.

His head was spinning, going a thousand miles an hour. He looked down at the petite brunette next to him, then down at her stomach. The stomach that he's rubbed since they were 8. The stomach that was silky smooth to touch and sweet to taste. The stomach that never got any bigger no matter how many Cheetos that girl ate. The stomach that may or may not be carrying his child.

He gently placed his hand upon her stomach, rubbing it lightly. When she need to be calmed down, or go to sleep, she would ask him to rub it, she always said something about it "calming her inner Barbra". So over the years, he learned that she loved when he did it without having to be asked to.

He thought of the little, tiny baby that might be under his hand right now. He thought about how that baby was made out of love between him and Rachel. He knew he would love the _shit_ out of the child. He imagined if it was a girl that he would have to have tea parties with, and take her to dances lessons. He imagined if it was a boy that he would have to teach how to ride his bike, and take to football games. He thought about being a family with Rachel, being with her for the rest of his life.

He felt a hand rest on top of his, and looked up. It was Hiram, with tears streaming down his face. His mouth flew open, trying to say something like "Sorry for impregnating your daughter" to him, but nothing would come out. He was too afraid. What if they're wasn't a baby until their hands. What if it didn't survive? He would've lost a son or daughter, he couldn't handle that.

The tears started falling down his face, thinking of all the possibilities. He felt Hiram arm wrap around his body and bring him closer to his body. His body was convulsing in sobs, gripping tighter onto Rachel's hand. The pain slowly creeping into his heart again.

"I'm always here for you too, no matter what the outcome is." He heard Hiram whispered near his ear.

He let Hiram hold him until the tears subsided. He didn't leave Rachel's side. He was constantly placing light kisses over her face. Her forehead, cheeks, nose, jaw, and lips. He rested his head on her shoulder, lightly rubbing simple patterns on her stomach. She'd been asleep for a couple hours now, and the doctor said that was likely. He said loosing so much blood had made her weak, which most likely resulted in exhaustion.

He lightly stroked her hair, wrapping a few strands between his fingers until he saw her eyes flutter. He quickly looked down at her face as she opened her eyes.

"Finn," She breathed out before he placed his lips to her's. He felt her deepen the kiss before pulling away.

"Don't you dare scare me like that again." He said, his warm breath spreading over her face.

"I won't, I promise." She said as she kissed him again, his body igniting with her love.

Suddenly, the doctor walked in as they pulled away. His eyes flew to the door that was now welcoming a nurse with an ultrasound machine.

"Should we do this now?" The doctor said softly, aware he might be ruining a moment.

He nodded at the doctor and kissed Rachel's head. Rachel's mouth was open as if searching for words to say.

"F-Finn, I-I.. I," He cut her off with a kiss, softly shushing her.

"It's okay, baby.." He said softly, grabbing her hand and interlacing their fingers.

"The gel will be a little cold, Miss. Berry." The doctor said while squirting the gel onto her stomach.

She let out a little gasp, and quickly squeezed his hand. Tears started falling down her face, and he did his best to wipe them away. She buried her head in his shoulder, letting her light tears drip onto his shirt.

The doctor moved the transducer around for what seemed like eternity until he finally looked up at him with sympathetic eyes.

"We can't find a heartbeat, I'm so sorry," The doctor said, turning around towards the machine again.

He heard Rachel let out a gut-wrenching sob into his shoulder. His body felt dead as the tears slid down his cheeks. _It's over, _he thought, _I'll never meet my baby._

"_I am covered in skin. No one gets to come in. Pull me out from inside. I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding. I am colorblind._" -Counting Crows

_Really sad one. But, as least Rachel's alive. Please don't hate me. Tell me what you think. Tweet, fav, sub, review. Thank you xx_


	9. Truth Triggers Realization

"_I wanna live life, never be cruel. I wanna live life, be good to you. I wanna fly, never come down. And live my life, and have friends around._"

He felt like throwing up. Things weren't supposed to turn out like this for them. Her dad wasn't supposed to die. His mom wasn't either. She wasn't supposed to cut. He wasn't supposed to do drugs. She's wasn't supposed to get pregnant, and their baby definitely wasn't supposed to die. _Why does God hate me?_ He thought, _We don't deserve this. Especially THIS of all things._

But he held her. He held her sobbing body in his arms, rubbing his large, calloused hand down her back. It was all he could do right now. Tears started falling form his eyes and he made no effort to wipe them away. Why should he? Everyone should see the pain this is causing for both of them.

They'd lost so many things in their life, and Finn didn't like knowing their first baby was one of them. That right there nearly killed him. Knowing their first baby is gone, forever, and he could've been able to love and hold that baby, but it was taken from him; from them.

They deserve happiness, and maybe that baby could've been it. But now, it won't be; it'll always be a scar left on their already damaged hearts.

"Finn, I-I.. I-I'm so-" Rachel tried to choke our through her sobs, but they consumed her too much for her to let out a full sentence.

"Shh, baby.. shh," He said gently, pressing his lips against her neck, "I'm h-here.. I'm here." He continued, his body suddenly convulsing with sobs.

They were broken, they hurt. They'd been through too much for their age. They've been through things people couldn't even imagine, and this loss, the loss of their baby, was one of them.

He was slowly slipping off the edge of insanity and he knew it. Everything was too much for him, _his fucking life_ was too much for him. He choked on the sobs escaping from his throat, clutching onto Rachel.

"Why.. why did you do it again, baby?" He whispered softly, right into her ear. He felt her head rise from his shoulder, causing him to unbury his face from the nook of her neck. He felt the tenseness in her. He knew something was wrong. Awfully wrong.

Using his finger, he lifted her chin up, trying to catch her eye; but she admittedly closed them tight.

"I knew," She left out in a shaky breath, "I-I knew about the baby.."

"Y-You.. you _what_?"

"I knew about the baby.. a-and.. and I knew that.. t-that we wouldn't be able to deal with a baby right now. And then I felt so.. so _ashamed_ of myself. I.. we.. _we_ wouldn't have been able to do it, Finn. We wouldn't have and it _killed _me.. it killed me knowing that something we made out of love was growing inside of me, and all I could think about was how it would be such a _problem_; I felt like giving up, right then and there," She opened her eyes, looking up while the tears fell down her delicate skin, "I couldn't even love my own child, Finn. _Our_ child, I couldn't love it enough. I don't deserve to live-"

"Yes you do, Rac-"

"No, I don't Finn! I couldn't even love my own fucking child! What kind of _sick_ person can't even love their own child!" She screamed at him, looking Finn straight in the eye; making no effort to wipe the tears pouring down her face.

"So.. so you thought that you leaving me.. _me_, the person who.. who doesn't have anyone _at all_ except for you.. you thought that leaving me here _alone_ was the best option? So you were just going to.. you were just going to leave me, not letting me know I ever had a kid, b-because you couldn't love it enough. _That_ was your solution to this whole thing.. to just _leave_ me."

Her eyes softened listening to his words, and realizing the pain behind them. The tears started falling faster seeing his tears, noticing just how affected he was by this.

"Finn..-"

"Do you know how fucking _crazy _I would've gone? I would've lost the love of my life _and_ my baby that I had no fucking clue existed because she was too _scared_. She was too scared that she'd end up like her mother.. that's the _real_ reason isn't, Rach? It's not because you didn't love them, you would've, you _know _in your heart that you would've fucking loved the shit outta that baby.. you were just too scared you'd end up like your mom-"

"No, _no,_ Finn, that is _not _why I couldn't handle the baby-"

"Would you just fucking be honest with me, Rachel? Please, for _once_, just be fucking honest with me!" He shouted, standing up from the bed, "I can't fucking deal with this! I can't see you in this goddamn hospital knowing you could've not been here right now! I almost fucking watched you die.._ die _Rachel! You.. you can't just _lie_ to me now, lie to me about how.. h-how you didn't fucking love our kid! We could've held that baby, that baby could've been the _one _thing that could finally make us happy.. make _me _happy! But.. but it's gone now! And.. and our baby's gone-" The sobs finally engulfed his body, causing him to fall onto the bed beside Rachel.

She wrapped her arms around him, holding him close. She finally realized Finn was right. She was scared, it's not see didn't love their baby, she _did._ She did so so much, but.. she'd ruined that. She'd ruined that for the both of them.

The pain and longing finally hit her body like a tidal wave, causing her to fall into Finn.

She let out a scream of pain, feeling his hands brush against her face, pushing her bangs off her forehead. She screamed again when his lips touched her forehead, his tears falling onto her face.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, feeling his arms lift her up into his lap.

"Finn.. Finn, I was scared, I was so so scared.." She whispered through her sobs.

"I know, baby. I know.." He whispered against her forehead, placing light kisses here and there.

"I ruined it all.." She said, barely above a whisper. "I killed our baby.." She felt another scream come with the sobs escaping her body.

"_Yes, and I sin every single day. We never change, do we? We never learned to leave.  
>So, I wanna live in a wooden house, making more friends would be easy. I wanna live where the sun comes out.<em>" -**Coldplay**

_Hard one to write. Sorry this was so delayed. School work upon school work. Please tweet me, review, favorite, subscribe, whatever. Just let me know if you liked it. xx_


	10. A Feeling Restored

"_Under the autumn tree, the chair where you would swing. The yard so full of leaves, it comforts me. A man that resembles me, watching his young lady sleep. Now I'm off to dream, comfort me_..."

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><p>He thinks about how it's seems like it's been almost a week since he'd slept. He'd spent the last twelve hours holding Rachel, and shushing her sobs of self hatred and mourning, while he, himself, was also mourning. They'd lost their baby. Their <em>fucking<em> baby. Every time he thought about it, which was pretty much every second since he'd found out, he didn't know what he wanted to do more; puke or cry harder. He loved Rachel, he really, truly did with everything he had inside him, but he just couldn't wrap his head around why she would do this to them. They'd been through enough. Their baby was just added to their list of people they cared about who they'd lost.

He looked down at the tiny brunette in his arms that had finally given up her fight with exhaustion about an hour ago. Her face was still pale from the accident, with little red blotches here and there from the sobs that had been coursing through her hour after hour. His heart ached for the pain she must be in. It has to be at least a thousand times worse for her, this situation. He lightly stroked her cheek, letting his calloused fingers glide along her cheekbones. He lets a slight smile slip through the light tears that are still falling at how beautiful and peaceful she looks while sleeping. His love for her is pure and deep, and he can feel in his heart that no matter what, that love will never go away. He kissed her forehead and gently moved her bangs out of her eyes.

Moving lightly, he got out from the bed and giving one last look to Rachel's sleeping form, he walked out of her hospital room. It was past four am and he really needed a cigarette. He walked out into the cool hallway that smelled of chemicals, taking a left and telling the nurse at the desk that he'd be back soon. Walking to the elevator, he pressed the first level button and closed the door, letting his head fall against the wall. Closed his eyes and took deep breaths, letting his heart rate calm down until he heard the ding of the elevator. He stepped out and walked towards the door, bracing himself for the cold, December air that was about to hit his face. Pushing the door out, he walking out of the hospital and started toward the park across the street.

He reached into his pocket to pull out his pack and lighter once he had sat himself on a bench. He lit up the cigarette and pulled it towards his lips, inhaling. Once the tobacco hit the back of his throat, he closed his eyes and let out a welcoming sigh, exhaling.

"Good to see it isn't hard drugs anymore," He heard a voice call out to him, making him open his eyes. Puck. When he saw who it was, he let out a slight smile, getting one back in return.

Noah Puckerman, better known as Puck, was Rachel's half brother. They shared the same mother, Shelby Corcoran, who was Rachel's surrogate mother and Puck's biological dad's ex-girlfriend. Since they were little, Puck's always been apart of their lives. Shelby had agreed to have Rachel for Leroy and Hiram when Puck's dad left her and Puck with next to nothing and since then, Shelby and Puck have been a part of the family. Puck was his best friend, next to Rachel of course, but after his first stint in rehab, the two of them haven't been as close as they used to be. Puck was on his way to a football scholarship and Finn knew that he didn't want to jeopardize that by hanging around with him. He didn't hold it against him, he understood exactly why they grew apart. But he's always hoped that someday they would be close again.

"Hm, yeah. The uh.. the second time in rehab really sobered me up. Just uh.. just smoke these now, for the most part." He said, holding up his cigarette and taking another drag. Puck nodded, stepping closer and sitting on the bench beside him. Puck looked over at him, his eyes full of sympathy.

"How you holding up?" Puck asked softly. He let out a shaky breath, letting the smoke float into the air. He felt the tears start to pool in his eyes, but he tried to push it back.

"I'm... I... it fucking hurts, man." He let out with a quick sob escaping, he felt Puck grab his sholder. "And it's like.. I would've done anything so me and Rach could've kept that baby. And I would've loved the hell out of that baby. I would've tried to be the best dad I could be. It's just not fair, you know? That all the shitty stuff happens to me and Rach. I mean, she doesn't deserve this. And now she's blaming herself. And I feel like shit because I didn't even notice that she was pregnant in the first place. And everything's just fucked up and shitty, and I just... I'm lost, man. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. It just feels like my mom's death all over again." He let another sob escaped as he wiped his eyes and took another drag. He was so fucking lost in his mind.

Puck felt tears prickling in his eyes at seeing Finn so hurt and lost. Puck's heart ached for both Finn and Rachel and the pain they both most be harboring.

"I can't even imagine what you two are going through," Puck started out, with a shaky voice, " "But you are both the strongest people I've ever met in my entire life. And I know that baby would've been the most loved baby in this world. And I know it's hard right now, because it's fresh and so new, but it will get better. I know that for a fact that it will. You have been through so much, that you deserve to get through this, and feel ok after this. And Rachel, you just need to keep on loving her. You love that girl with everything you have, and it shows. You've always looked at her as if she hung the moon. You just keep on loving her, and she'll get through this as well. You two just need to mourn and get through this together. Because you two are strong and I love you both so much, I need you to know that. And know that no matter what, I'm always here. And Hiram is too. He loves you like a son, Finn. He always has, both him and Leroy. And I know that both Leroy and your Mom are both looking down on you and Rachel right now, and I know that they'll both let things get better for you both. Because out of everyone I know, but you and Rachel deserve a happy ending, and I know you both will get it. I know."

He looked at Puck and felt relief. Relief because for the first time someone told him that things will get better, and he actually believed it. That'd never happened before. Tons of doctors, and therapists had told him that things would get better throughout his life, but he never believed it. And after his mom's death, he knew it could never be true. But Puck telling him that things would get better sparked some sort of restoration of hope inside him. He felt like he could get through this. He and Rachel could both get through this together. They _would_ get through this together. He let his arms wrap around Puck, pulling him close for a hug.

"Thank you, Puck. Seriously, I can't thank you enough just.. thank you." He said through the tears that were seeping from his eyes. He felt Puck's arms wrap around, returning the hug.

"Of course, man. When we were five and I promised you we would be friends forever, I meant that." Puck said, with a smile in his voice. He let out a light laugh at the memory of him and Puck in Puck and Rachel's tree-house, both promising they would be friends forever and sealing the promise with their secret handshake.

They both drew back from the hug and he took a finally drag from his cigarette before dropping it to the ground and stomping it out with his foot.

"I should probably get back to Rachel. I don't want her to wake up and have me not be there." He said, standing up.

"You know, it's really inspiring how much you love her. I've never seen a love like your guys', it's kinda beautiful actually. Thank you for loving her, and making her happy." Puck said, standing up with him. The thought of his love for Rachel brought a smile to his face. He nodded at Puck, and started walking toward to hospital doors with Puck in tow.

-**xx**-

He walked into her hospital room and saw a sobbing Rachel in Hiram's arms.

"Baby, what happened?" He asked panicked, instantly rushing to her and holding her face in his hands.

"Oh, Finn! I-I thought you left me and I... I-"

"Shh shh, baby. I'm right here, I'm never leaving you." He cut her off, taking her into his arm from Hiram.

"Promise?" She let out in a whimper. The hurt expression on her face was absolutely killing him.

"I promise, baby. I promise with all my heart."

"I love you so much, Finn" She said against his neck, nuzzling her face into the crook of it.

"I love you so much more, baby. So, so much more." He sealed his statement with a kiss to the crown of her head. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her. He loved her way more than any words could ever describe. That's the way it has been, and the way it always will be as far as he was concerned.

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><p>"<em>Is this my old shape? My mind is away, how long have you been gone? And the cold winter's aged, the soft of your face. And I can't move on." -<em>** Milo Greene**

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><p><em>so finally a little bit of hope as been shown down upon Finn, hopefully it lasts. I think this has been my longest chapter ever. I don't have a beta, so if there's any mistakes I apologize. I also apologized for not updating in <strong>so <strong>long. everything has just been so hectic but I will definitely be updating more often from now on. please tell me what you think by leaving a review or by tweeting me. my twitter handle is the same as this one, **finnterpan**. thank you so much, love you all **Xx**_


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